Where have we been all this time? We’ve been to Camp Dibble a conference centre in Kangaroo Valley where would-be ABC TV presenters are bussed in, broken down, then built up again in preparation for their careers walking on beaches, standing in museums, waving a pair of tongs over a barbeque, all the while smiling and talking…
Once off the bus and lined up in casual rows with our luggage between our feet, we are introduced to James O’Loghlin. An experienced stand-up comedian, ex-lawyer and top ABC TV presenter, everyone has come to love O’Loghlin as TV’s “Mr. Nice Guy”. You can imagine the shock as the following words spew from his mouth, spittle flying, his head a hideous craze of bulging veins: “It is my duty to train you pukes and let me tell you, if you ladies leave Camp Dibble, if you survive presenter training, you will be a TV presenter. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human, fucking beings. You are nothing but pieces of amphibian shit. Because I am hard you will not like me. You will hate me. But the more you hate me the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. And I will weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved ABC. Do you maggots understand that!!!”
SIR YES SIR! And so it goes for four grueling, relentless hours of verbal abuse. Eventually we are allowed into our accommodation where the two dozen or so would-be TV presenters grab the first available bunks and then run to the canteen where we must grab whatever food we can – delightful mezze plates, vegetable risotto, Cajun fish, chicken breast in red wine sauce. We scoff down the food before running off for the next stage of what becomes and endurance test…
It’s not all hell, there is a lot of chanting, singing, walking in formation and then we sit through hours and hours of screenings of Kenneth Clarke’s Civilisation, Jacob Bronowski’s Ascent of Man, Robert Hughes’s Shock of The New, David Attenborough’s Life on Earth and assorted highlights from various ABC shows including Gardening Australia, The New Inventors and The Book Club. After about two weeks of sleep deprivation, excellent food and endless hours of subtle conditioning techniques, we can easily do any of the following:
• Talk in front of the camera
• Walk and talk front of a camera
• Move our hands from side to side while walking and talking in front of a camera.
• Think and talk at the same time
Now back in the real world, we finally have time for what we’re really here for…
