MSSR
Nicola Chatham
18 June 2010
MSSR 105 Moreton St. New Farm
6 – 8 pm
I no longer try to fill the empty spaces in our conversations. He sees the way he treats me as his “doctrinal right”. He did not acknowledge my birthday today. He tests me again and again for my loyalty. He always thought himself an angelic child. He tells me to “Sit down and don’t interrupt what I have to say!” He made an exit to the garage and when he reappeared he acted as though nothing had happened. He blames me and makes me sound insane. I was devastated that all my prayer and the prayers of my friends, were to no avail. I was so devastated I spent the afternoon and much of the next day in bed. When I spent time with family or friends, he would tell me that there was something very wrong with me, when in actual fact he was feeling very insecure. His level of abuse at such times was equivalent to his level of insecurity. The first time he picked me up and threw me across the bedroom. I was bruised all down my side and my foot was cut from hitting the corner of the wall. He then left the room and I crawled into bed. He slept in the bedroom downstairs. The next morning he said, “You come up pretty well after a beating don’t you?” I replied, “I wouldn’t know. I have never been beaten before.” He tells me that I have not given myself totally to God. I am generally very tired, having to be on my guard all the time around him. He sees the position I am in, as God’s judgment. The distance between us is getting greater and greater. I cannot get near him anymore as he just pushes me away every time. He told me the other day how the Lord had showed him that his mother was a bad sort of woman. He has tried to restrict my movements to such, that the only person I may see is my daughter once a month. Three times he went to leave and came down to hug me. But I no longer care if he walks out the door and I never set eyes on him again. He is desperate to regain control. This morning I told him that I no longer loved him when he asked me. I said I was emotionally, physically, spiritually and financially empty. I had nothing left to give. He said that was terrible. He asked what was the reason for the dissolving the relationship. I said that I was tired of the conflict. He complained that I was too quiet and didn’t talk very much. I said when I did start to talk I was told to shut up and listen. He could not respond, as he knew it was true. He said he would sleep downstairs if I wanted, so I agreed. As he was getting ready to leave, he said, “I don’t know what I am going to do about this in the future when I get an erection thinking about you. I’m not going to masturbate. What should I do?” I said I didn’t know. He said, “Well, you will have to pray about it and find out the answer and tell me.” After he left I sat on the couch and watched television. I was totally spent and had two glasses of wine because I had a pain in the stomach. I thought that would be the end of me doing anything today but when I finished the second glass I felt energetic and started to sort things and work out my plans for the sale of the house.
